Parkinson's and Marital Discord: A Heartbreaking Parallel

Imagine a man, once full of vigor and grace, now struggling with the simple act of lifting a fork to his mouth. His hands tremble, and his body is no longer in sync with his will. His muscles, meant to obey his commands as naturally as a well-rehearsed dance, now move independently, refusing to follow the rhythm he sets. This man is battling Parkinson's disease, a cruel disorder that robs him of his smooth and coordinated movements, leaving him to grapple with an unruly body that no longer obeys his commands.

This is a heartbreaking sight, one that evokes a deep sense of sympathy. We mourn the loss of natural order in his body, a body designed for graceful motion, now overthrown by the tyranny of disease. The same body that once moved fluidly, now stumbles and shakes, making even the most mundane tasks a Herculean challenge.

Now, let us consider another man, also struggling. His strife, however, is not with his physical body, but with his marital relationship. This man is facing a different kind of disorder, one where the natural order of his life, dictated by his faith and convictions, is disrupted. Instead of a wife who follows his lead, he has a partner who disregards his guidance, choosing to act independently of his mission.

This is no less heartbreaking. The discord, the lack of harmony, and the strained dynamics mirror the struggle of the man with Parkinson's. Just as the man with Parkinson's disease strives to lift his fork, this man strives to lead his family, but his efforts are thwarted by a relationship that refuses to follow its natural order.

Upon encountering such a scene, I feel the same sorrow as when I witness the struggle of the man with Parkinson's. I often need to suppress the visceral response when I hear an interaction between a husband and wife that is out of order because it is blasphemy. (Titus 2:4-5, 1 Peter 3:1-6) The discordant conversation of a husband and wife, the disarray in their relationship, is akin to the discordant movements of the man trying to lift his food to his mouth. Both men are grappling with a disordered situation that requires external support to navigate.

And so, as they seek assistance, one of three outcomes often emerges:

1. The man abandons his God-given mission, succumbing to the path presented by his wife.

2. All manner of attempts will be made to sever what God has joined together, threatening the sanctity of the union.

3. By God's grace, the Word of God is not blasphemed, and the couple can glorify God, particularly the husband, who can attest that God has bestowed upon him a wonderful helper suitable for his mission.

The sorrow evoked by the sight of a man grappling with Parkinson's, his body rebelling against the natural order of graceful movement, is mirrored in the heartbreak of observing a husband struggling with a wife who refuses to follow his lead. Both situations remind us of the toll sin takes in our lives. What a blessing it would it be to reverse Parkinson's, and what a blessing it is that we do have the Word of God for those hearts willing to humble themselves under it. What unspeakable peace, what rest, what calm comes from nestling our hearts deep into the truth and reality of God’s Word. This reality is not what the world offers; it can only be found in pleading with God to put His Word on our hearts so that we might live in accordance with His reality and not a false reality of our own making.

~Jason Heavner

How Biblical Wisdom Can Help Your Relationships

Relationships of all kinds can be complex and challenging to navigate, but having an understanding of the wisdom found in the Bible can help immensely. Ephesians 4:2, "With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love;" This is a reminder that kindness and forgiveness are essential for forming strong, healthy relationships.

Being compassionate toward others is also highlighted in this passage. It is important to think before we react and consider the difficulties our friends or family may be experiencing. A little patience can go a long way in helping us understand one another's perspective. Additionally, by being slow to anger, we open ourselves up for more meaningful dialogue and connection with those around us.

The concept of humility should not be taken lightly, as it involves putting others first and being humble enough to admit when we are wrong or need help ourselves. When each party involved respects each other, it sets a powerful precedent for healthy communication and conflict resolution. Ultimately, biblical wisdom is an invaluable tool for managing the dynamics of relationships of all kinds; by practicing its principles consistently, we can develop better connections with those around us.

Thanks for reading!

~ Cathy Heavner

OBSERVATIONS ON AN ENFP/ISFJ MARRIAGE

This article was prompted in response to a viewer’s further inquiry into the ENFP ISFJ MARRIAGE video.

This article is for those interested in understanding more about the ENFP / ISFJ marriage dynamic. I’m an ENFP, and my wife is an ISFJ. I have been married to my wife for 17 years now, and I feel like we are beginning to connect now more than we ever have. When we were dating, everything went really well, but honestly, knowing the divorce rate and how problematic relationships can get, it concerned me that we were missing important details. We sought counsel, but to sum up the counsel, they mainly said, “There will be problems, but you'll do great!"

I didn't know it then but what I really wanted to understand was the strengths and weaknesses of our specific relationship dynamic.

Here is some information we wish we had been given when we were dating and into our first years of marriage.

1. My ISFJ wife pays attention to Fe (objective values). What this means is the roles of husband and wife, how we interact with our kids, what friends we spend time with, our finances, etc. - are all evaluated by her according to an objective measure. If we were to disagree on what was good, I always thought that I was disagreeing with her values, but really she is a representative of the people she respects. If I were to give her concrete reasons why it was good or not good to do something a certain way, it wouldn't necessarily change her mind, it would just be that I'm different from the norm, and maybe she could accommodate me to be a good wife but not because she agrees. That was so hard for me once I learned this years later because I wanted to bond with her soul in marriage. I wanted us to be one, and when I learned that her value system was essentially based outside of her, essentially she was the consensus of the people she respected, I felt so separate from her. What we both thought were just her values were the values of a consensus of the group she respected. This is huge for me because, as an ENFP, we don't look for a consensus with our values, and we sort of wish other people wouldn't either.

2. Our emotions come from our values. Let me explain. The Fe users tend to have appropriate emotions for the space and time they are in. If they have fond memories of Valentine's Day at home, they want to give and receive love appropriate for Valentine's Day. I hate being told how I should be "feeling" on February 14th. I want to bring home flowers and chocolate when I am authentically thinking about my girl. Not when "I'm supposed to." Now sometimes everything aligns, and I'm feeling authentic on the 14th of February, and all is well. My point in saying all this is that she genuinely focused more love towards me on February 14th and expected me to do the same since this was the appropriate day to express our love for each other. In the first and second years, February 14th was fine because it was still kind of like a honeymoon time, but after that, I just wanted to be authentic on the 14th, and that really hurt her because neither one of us understood the other. Hopefully, an ENFP spouse could extrapolate with Ne how other evens events like birthdays, weddings, funerals, etc would play out similarly.

3. The way to the soul of an ISFJ is through truth, not Te (Rationale).... but Ti (True Facts). She doesn't move as we do on evaluating Fi and then moving to action. To understand the inner workings of an ISFJ, know they deal internally with the truth not values like the ENFP. For example, in the morning, when I get up, sometimes I have a hard time because I'm trying to evaluate the risk-reward of more time in a comfortable bed versus what I have committed to others or myself that day. Not so with an ISFJ who is internally evaluating truth. Yes, the bed is comfortable, and she may want to lay there a little longer. Still, it is the cold, hard, unemotional truth that gets her out of bed, and that isn't a problem for her as a single lady. However, after marriage, she could naturally be disappointed in an ENFP spouse when she doesn't understand why he's still in bed. She will not naturally be able to relate to him having a hard time finding the internal values or his purpose in getting up. this is just one example. The takeaway is that an ISFJ works internally with true/false analysis and an ENFP works internally with a good/bad analysis.

4. A little bit different thought here, but still important because it's along the lines of truth, and we talked about it in the video a little bit. When an ENFP speaks to their (Fe) spouse about their internal values (Fi), they need to understand that they are trying to sell their values to their spouse. Te is selling the Fi values of what we think is good or bad. We tend to sell with our biggest and best arguments, and sometimes we generalize facts, but these generalizations can be triggers to an ISFJ who wants specifics, not generalizations. It would be very helpful in communication to understand this and practice talking with each other and being aware of both processes. So, for example, if she sees you quite animated about a topic or situation in life and is being triggered by your generalizations (Not buying what your selling), it would be helpful if she could say, "I see this is very important to you. Can you tell it to me in a different way because some of the facts aren't straight? It doesn't mean I disagree with you. It just means I might need to hear it a different way." Don't be upset that she's challenging your argumentation, but be glad that you have the opportunity to try again. Her judgment of your facts can be a strength to you and improve your argumentation with others who will dismiss you and not give you another chance.

5. Protecting each other's fourth function will win each other's trust. For the ENFP, this is Si, and for the ISFJ, this is Ne. I don't remember if it's in the video, but it took me a long time to learn how to deal with her "baby," Ne. Her Ne was always saying either, "Stranger danger!!" or "don't worry about it, it will be fine!" when it was not going to be fine. The key in my situation was seeing it briefly from my wife's perspective and acknowledging the true (all be it unlikely) possibility of what her Ne was seeing. After satisfying this, I could then offer counter-views that she would often accept as more reasonable. Early in our marriage, I would often skip why I had a more reasonable or mature Ne observation, and this would cause a problem because she was concerned her Ne was being overlooked. As for Si in an ENFP, it tends to swing back and forth from being indulged or neglected. We don't want to watch just one episode of a TV series; we want to binge-watch all five seasons. Later we may decide that we don't want to be sucked in again and cancel our subscription to Netflix. But when we're hungry or thirsty or need to use the restroom, sometimes we'll deny our body what it needs because we are valuing something else at that time as more important. The ISFJ naturally behaves responsibly in many of these areas where we over or under-compensate. If she could understand that a balanced life in these areas does not come naturally to an ENFP but is happy with small improvements over time, she will more easily be able to maintain respect for you and help you to develop this weaker function. One way could be showing your progress over time, such as saying, "Once your Si behaved like this, but now it has improved here."

So finally, putting some thought into the occasional feeling of an ENFP feeling abandoned, let me attempt to address this inquiry based on what we've talked about above. Most people expect other people to be similarly designed as they are, i.e., the ISFJ expects everyone else to be using some form of Fe/Ti. So if you tell the ISFJ during this time before marriage of a feeling you're having about separation or loneliness, she could very likely disregard the feeling because either it's not the appropriate (Fe) feeling to have based on the situation as she sees it or it isn't true (Ti) from her perspective because she is not abandoning you. Her analysis, by its very nature, could exacerbate the ENFP's feeling of being disconnected to where the ENFP acts out feeling hurt, which triggers her Fe response of, "If I've hurt someone, I should help them feel better," or a worse response, "you need to deal with this because it isn't true." So I'm not exactly sure of the solution, but something to consider would be to assess the feeling of abandonment where she would also see it, for instance, if she has a +1 to a wedding and doesn't want you to come. Generally, an Fe dominant person would want to be with their significant other at a wedding. So this would be a true cause for concern regarding abandonment. So the ENFP can assess the idea of abandonment through her perspective using Ne (objective imagination). The other possibility would be to help her understand the ENFP's Fi feeling of abandonment and see if there is a true way to respond to it, even if it's not what she is feeling. So, for example, let's say she is on a trip with some friends for four days and the ENFP feels abandoned if she never reaches out during that time. The ENFP could suggest, "Could you text me a couple of different times during your trip to let me know you're thinking about me, and that would satisfy my sense of not feeling abandoned." That might be something she could physically do to include him in her routine while away. This is just an example. Every relationship will have specific needs. The ISFJ might think it's not necessary, so don't make it too much of a burden for her but just something that allows the ENFP to see evidence of her interest in you while she's on her own. But the safest and strongest thing to do would be to see what abandonment looks like from her perspective and, if there were signs of it happening, bring those up for discussion.

I hope this article has been a help to my friends who are in a relationship like this one. I can't overstate the blessing that has come from my wife and I understanding each other's design. We had some really hard years not even knowing the right questions to ask but now when trouble comes we are also met with hope of a solution. Conflicts that would last days or weeks now are resolved much faster because we have a road map for communication. In the article, we talk about what is good and bad, true and false, I need to point out lastly that our standard for both of these types of judgments is the Bible.

Have a great day!